G – You’re welcome!
C – I got up this morning and read your responce to my venting. I does help to know that my feelings arent abnormal or that I am some kind of sexual deviant for wantng to have sex with my husband LOL!. When I first married my husband the sex was much better. I was only 28 and he was 46, i got pregnant after 5 weeks together, and then we soon got married. About 3 months after I had our daughter his E.D.
was fully blown! It didnt help that he gained 70lb in the first 10 months we were together, he now weighs 297. I try to feed him good and take care of him,(I eat the same food and only weight 107 after 2 kids) but he sneeks food at
work. I explained to him that not only will he be healthier but that his e.d.
will get better if he looses weight.(he is on 3 blood pressure meds http://www.sildenafil100mgtablets.biz and morphine) he says he likes being big and is not interested in losing the weight, I said dont you want to have a better sex life, he says it has nothing to do with his weight he has been big all of his life and the weight isnt the problem.
G – I would guess that the HBP meds and Morphine are “the underlying problem”. They certainly would need to be discussed with a doctor related to Whether – alternative meds might help the E/D. One should certainly, in your husband’s case, be careful about self-medicating for E/D. It would also seem More important – to ensure that he is not putting his life in danger – with the HBP issues – with what he is eating and similar.
C – One of you suggested I talk to my friends, I am 32 and so are my friends, none of them have ever experienced a man with e.d. I have 2 sisters, but once again they are my age and get totally shocked (and very uncomforable) when talk to them about my sex life. I cant help but think that if I were an older woman I would be able to deal with this much better, but the fact is I am only 32 havent had sex since my 20ies, and that I will never agin know what sex feels like. I do love my husband and am NOT willing to divorce, what would I
tell my children when they grow up and ask why did you and dad get a divorce, what do you say to that” mommy needs sex and daddy cant provide that” there is more to a marrige than sex i know that but the first year is so important for bonding realtionships and when there is an intamicy issue it makes the bond harder to keep.
G – I suggested friends and family – and that may not be a good answer for you. I’d suggest in this situation – finding “new friends” within this email group – at a distance – to get support from – whether – ongoing or situationally when things are Most difficult for you – would be up to you and potential friends.
A real important thing in all this is to try to Avoid – being emotionally isolated – Alone – feeling no kinship and support. Your best means for this may well be within this email group.
With what you’ve said in your two relevant emails – I’m still left with the issue of you needing to Confront Your Husband – and deal with YOUR FEELINGS – related to “his Sex” – which is not “Sex” to you – and Your Feelings – related to what is or is not done between the two of you.
It may seem cruel and “unfair” in a way to you, but it is important – that:
You either accept his “sex” – or cease having it and -
Particularly – IF – you Agree (outwardly – verbally – not tacitly through silence) – that You will continue to have – what for Him is “Sex” – that you get from him (in return) something he can give you (not intercourse evidently) – that makes you NOT feel used and taken for granted and not heard.
It is good that you’ve reached out to us – and gotten support here. IF – more doesn’t happen – though – the next time he wants/has “sex” – you will likely feel used and hurt – again absent you dealing with what has happened – such as – with some of the issues that others and I have brought up.
You have to consider – your life situation – and what you can and can not get in this situation. It certainly is and feels “unfair” to no longer have intercourse – at age 32. My last urologist told me that the majority of his ED patients come to him in their 40′s – which is when your husband evidently began his ED issues.
I think that you need to recognize what limitations – conversationally/emotionally – your husband has – such as his defending of his weight and his eating. You seem to really need to:
1.) Find support – as I think you are starting to do, 2.) Ensure – that you are doing your best at getting your husband to deal with his Medical issues – e.g. HBP, and 3.) Still – deal – with the issue – of – your “sex life” – and what is ok and not ok – within it. You obviously – can’t have intercourse now – however you can and should have respect from your husband and listening to you – to the point that you’ve resolved – the original triggering point – for the fight that you had – related to the “sex”. I would still return again to the point that your originally brought up – as to his words – that indicated – his dissatisfaction with things – “only after 4 months” (which for you triggered your feelings) – as he’s Not Happy either.
I’m not suggesting that you fight him or Strongly Confront Him out of Anger – but rather that you – over time – figure out how best to help yourself – so it (whatever it is) feels good or at least as minimally “bad” as you can make it – related to Your Feelings – with your life situation.
In figuring out how to deal with – his attempts at “sex” and your feelings related to it – as well as possibly helping him related to his own feelings you still need to figure out How Best to approach him as well as when to do it.
I hope that this is helpful!